Sat 17th March, Thorpe United FC 2 - Heslington FC 4

League match 24 of Heslington FC’s season saw them travel to the back of beyond to play Thorpe United in a blustery affair. Having lost earlier in the season at home against the Ming Mongs, Heslington had an opportunity to get revenge. Coach Babba had several selection worries, eventually opting to leave John Thornton in the reserves and bring back striker Casper ‘sparrow legs’ Walters to the 1st team after a lengthy spell away from football. Ben Coxon returned to centre back and Stu Dicko returned from suspension to lead the Heslington front line.

Heslington opened up again with a 4-5-1 and chose to play with the wind and the home side struggled to get to grips with the extra man in midfield. The ‘Outgangers’ enjoyed plenty of possession and got behind the Thorpe defence plenty of times but failed to play through a good enough final ball. Eventually Heslington broke the deadlock, Newby pressed the Thorpe defence, and after 14 offsides, Stuart Dickinson ran through to blast the ball past the Thorpe keeper.

Within 5 minutes Dickinson made it 2-0, with a Andy Lee power throw headed on by Simon Newby and Dicko flicked in from close range. Heslington were running riot……

Heslington continued to frustrate the home side, Jaymo teasing the Thorpe midfield with some trademark shuffles, whilst Rhino and Proctor penetrated the Thorpe back line running from deep. Thorpe United reacted with a common response by teams from this region, if you are losing … kick the opposition. Thorpe started to commit foul after foul, with the Ref Baby Ballantyne allowing the fouls to go unpunished.

… It is a common belief that locals from these regions fight with rival villagers, and the Thorpe right back picked up on Si Newby’s Skipwith scent, and the two began to tussle. After exchanging some light kicking and biting, the Thorpe retard fouled Si Newby and dropped on him with his elbow. A crime once again not spotted by the referee. Newby (who has won ‘Most Hated Player’ in Scotland for 2002 and 2003) continued to live up to his reputation by winding up and Thorpe player, who responded with a late elbow to Newby’s head. The referee had no option but to book the Thorpe defender, though it should have been red.

Thorpe fought back into the game, and won a penalty from a clumsy Paul Clarke challenge. Ben ‘Malcolm’ Willis was sent the wrong way and the game was back in the balance at 2-1. Before half time Dickinson restored Heslington’s 2 goal advantage, racing through to shoot hard and low at the keeper, who saved with his legs. As the ball hung in the wind and fell goalward bound, Thorpe’s special needs right back made a lame attempt to stop the ball crossing the line and headed the ball into the top corner of the net. Haha … the mule!

1-3 Halftime

Heslington had to avoid conceding early in the 2nd half, and in the 56th minute Dickinson broke the offside trap and rounded the keeper with some neat touches to score his 4th goal. Buck went ballistic, dancing on the sideline, whilst Babba couldn’t see for the long grass!

Many of the Thorpe players heads went down, but they continued to attack with the wind and piled on the pressure in the second half. Thorpe got a second after 63 minutes, a free kick hit straight down the middle of the goal and caught the Heslington keeper napping.

In between the waves of Thorpe attacks, Heslington caught Thorpe on the counter attack several times, with some great support play from Newby, Rhino, Robertson and Fenno (who decided to turn up in the second half). Dickinson had several chances to get his fifth but the Thorpe keeper pulled off some good saves.

In the 79th minute the Heslington’s magician asked to come off, generously giving Casper Walters a run out. The white Assassin soon got back to his old form, making one pass and then going down easy in the opponents penalty area. Unfortunately the strikers reputation preceeded him, and the referee did not buy the penalty claim, waving play on. Heslington’s back four (marshalled by Coxon and Clark) continued to keep out the flow of Thorpe attacks. After 80 minutes the Thorpe crowd gave up hope, many of the spectators leaving early to catch the 3:40pm Jaronda Bus to their respective caves and mud huts.

It was a great team performance from Heslington that gave them hope of avoiding the drop. Will Robertson had an outstanding game at right back, but with 4 goals, 26 offsides, 16 shots (5 on target), 0 passes, 13 fouls and only 1 tantrum, this week ‘Pampers’ man of the match went to Stuart Dickinson.

FINAL SCORE 2-4

MATCH RATINGS

GK Ben Willis 8

LB Andy Lee 7
CB Paul Clark 7
CB Ben Coxon 8
RB Will Robertson 9

LM Simon Newby 8
CM Ian Proctor 8
CM Nick James 7
CM Adam Hetherton 8
RM Nick Fenton 7

CF Stu Dickinson 9

Sub 1 Danny Walters 6

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Sat 10th March, Old Malton St Marys FC 5 - Heslington FC 1

In a tricky away fixture against a Malton team who have an exceptional home record, the odds were against Heslington getting anything from this game. Heslington lost 4-2 at home in the cup against St Marys earlier in the season, having been 2-0 up within 10 minutes. Selection problems mounted for coach Steve Seymour, with two late call offs and all 3 strikers not available, the Heslington attack looked even less threatening than normal!


With top scorer Stuart Dickinson suspended for accumulating 5 yellow cards, goal poacher Dan Walters away exhibiting at The Chelsea Flower Show and John Thornton was out selling pegs in Thorganby, Ben Coxon played the lone striker at the front of a 4-5-1 formation.

Heslington started off brightly with some good passing moves, but it was Old Malton that broke the deadlock after 10 minutes, taking advantage of some poor defending to score past Ben Willis. Five minutes later Malton made it 2-0 with a carbon copy goal. The Heslington back four were as straight as Casper, and the Malton striker went one on one with the keeper again, just beating Willis to the ball.

2 – 0 AT HALFTIME.

After a drink and sit down, and some wise words from the boss, Heslington came out of the starting blocks fast for the 2nd half. With the wind advantage, Heso enjoyed some good possession and pour forward in numbers. After a few wild shots that disappeared into the forest, Simon Newby forced his way through for a one on one, using his weight to hold off the defender, green socks finished through the legs of the keeper to make it 2-1. Game on ….

Quite frustratingly, Heslingtons 10 minute spell of dominance ended after the goal, and Old Malton began to get back into to the game. Then, much to the crowds annoyance, Heslingtons chubby playmaker Nick James was substituted after 61 minutes. On came Simon Archer, who had returned from suspension, and looked eager to get back into football. :-o

Heslington changed back to a 4-4-2 with Rhino moving up front to partner Coxo up front. Some ‘big’ pieces were obviously missing from the Heslington Jigsaw, as they conceded 3 goals within 10 minutes. Old Malton took advantage of some very generous defending from Heso, as they presented chance after chance to St Marys.
Andy Lee, Paul Clarke and Jimmy Frary were all guilty of getting caught on the ball in dangerous positions, as Heslington looked incapable of stringing more than a pass together.

Ben Willis held out Old Malton with a few great saves but he was eventually beaten. Old Malton’s 3rd started with a controversial offside decision that was not given, and whilst 6 members of the Heslington team remonstrated with match officials, the home team were happy to play on and restore their 2 goal lead. Seconds later Heso kicked off, played the ball back, and gave possession to a rampant Malton side, who broke through and beat Willis with a neat lob. Maltons 5th was a pretty average goal, I’m not even going to bother talking about it.

5-1 FULLTIME

Following the game there were suggestions that members of the Heslington back four had taken back handers to ‘throw’ the game. The Malton Chronicle Evening Newspaper alleged Paul Clark and Jimmy Frary had accepted cash ‘offers’ of up to £50 from Old Malton Officials (who cannot be named for legal reasons). Rumour has it that Andy Lee was tempted for much less, a Curly Wurly and a Walnut Whip.

This defeat leaves Heslington in free fall, as T & L Selby got their 3rd win on the bounce. Heslington lie 4 points ahead of Pocklington but 5 points adrift of T & L. Heslington now have the most goals conceded in the Premier League, and only 3 teams in the Leeper Hare York League have conceded more, Civil Serice (127), North Duffield (102) and Civil Service Res (76). A worrying Statistic!


MATCH RATINGS

GK Ben Willis 8

LB Andy Lee 6
CB Paul Clark 7
CB Jimmy Frary 5
RB Nick Fenton 8

LM Simon Newby 7
CM Ian Proctor 7
CM Nick James 7
CM Adam Hetherton 8
RM Will Robertson 6

CF Ben Coxon 6

Sub 1 Simon Archer 5

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Heslington F.C. 06/07 Awards Night

This years end of season awards ceremony has now been arranged so please support the club by attending this glamorous event with your friends and family! Thomas's bar have kindly offered to host the event and there will be a delicious buffet and muscial entertainment (to be confirmed).



Full details -

Saturday 5th May 2007, 7.30pm onwards

Tickets £5.00

Thomas's Bar and Hotel (pictured below), opposite the city centre library

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NEWS - Watch lost at the Outgang Arena on Saturday.

Police have been called in to investigate the mysterious disappearance of Buk's watch during the game. Despite the best efforts of those who originally came to watch the enthralling encounter it could not be found. Police are due to hold a press conference later today to release further details.




Similar model to the timepiece lost at the home game against Huntington, picture above for illustration only.

UPDATE - Buk found the watch up his sleeve so the search has been called off. He may be charged with wasting police and random members of the public's time who helped with the search. Buk is said to be relieved that the harrowing experience is over.

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Sat 3rd March, Heslington FC 0 - Huntington Rovers FC 2. Match Report by Nick James

In a tough fixture against the No 1 team in York, Heslington’s preparations for Saturdays game could not have been worse. Due to injuries, illnesses and spontaneous trips to Newcastle, The Heslington squad was reduced to a bare 11, leaving a sour taste in the managers mouth as he questioned some players commitment.

We opened up with a stubborn 4-5-1 formation, and though Huntington had an early penalty claim turned down, Heslington did start quite positively, and got behind the Huntington defence several times with some good running from Rhino and Jaymo. A moderately grumpy Coxon marshalled the back four well and Huntington struggled to break down the Heslington defence.

Things changed in the 20th minute when a collision of heads left Matt Birkitt with a sore head, concussion and a fractured clavicle (That’s the collar bone Casper). He will miss the rest of the season. Our thoughts are with his friends and family.

This unfortunate event left the Heso Boss in quite a predicament, as he turned to the dug out for a replacement only to find 4 empty chairs. After being turned down by Buck, all 6 Huntington Subs and 4 spectators, Babba finally found someone willing to come on to help out the Heslington 10. To the sound of the Rocky theme tune, Dave Scott came trundling out of the bushes in a Heslington strip. Scotty (also known as Thunder the ProAm English Wrestler) looked a fine figure in his Skimpy Football strip. Jaymo was delighted not to be the fattest guy on the pitch. Heso reverted to a 4-4-2, with Scotty (Heso’s No. 1 Fan) partnering the explosive Dickinson up front.

Gaps began to appear in the Heslington team as they began to looked stretched, and failed to keep possession. Scotty was battling hard up the field receiving little support from an increasingly frustrated Dicko. Huntington made the breakthrough on in the 32nd minute from a Laidlaw free kick. As the ball fell inside the box, Newby, Proctor and Coxon were all on a tea break, and all stood and watched Dyson take the ball down, take another touch and blast the ball past Guy Fawkes in the Heslington goal.

It was 2-0 after 40 minutes, after Fenton backed out of a 50:50 ball with his buddy Pate Laidlaw, who took a touch and curled the ball past Genty from 22 yards. Nice to see Fenno contributing to Huntington’s title bid. NEWFLASH – you won’t get a medal son.

HALF TIME 0-2

The 2nd half was a scrappy affair, the game opened up however poor passing in the final 3rd from both teams resulted in very limited chances at either end. Dyson had the chance to make it 3-0 after weaving through Coxon and Carlton, and going round Genty twice, the strikers shot was cleared off the line by Golden Balls Proctor.

Will Robertson came into life in the 2nd half, will some quality off the ball fouling. He was trying his best to fall out with all his old school mates, and I think he did a pretty good job. A Coxon header was all Heslington produced until Rhino hit the bar with a sweet left foot strike late on in the game.

The match ended with a Grade ‘A’ tantrum from Dicko 5 minutes from time. After being warned, the Heslington striker attempted to block the keepers kick out. The ref summoned him over, Dicko refused. Had to be pushed back to the referee by his own players, squared up to Proc, then took his yellow card and walked off embarrassing himself and his team mates. Dicko has now walked off the pitch and quit in 3 of Heslington’s last 5 matches. His walk-off rate is now higher than his goal to game ratio.

‘It’s a f**king joke man, that’s it, i’m not playing again.’ Dickinson 2007

York Leeper Hare League Representatives mounted a full inquiry after the game. Traces of heavy foot stomping were found in the Players tunnel, though no dummy has ever been found.

Overall Heslington’s performance was good, when nothing seemed to be going their way they held their own against a miss firing Huntington Rovers. Rovers maintain favourites to win the title, whilst Heslington slip back into the relegation zone following T & L Selbys win.

FULL TIME 0-2

MATCH RATINGS

GK Peter Gent 8

LB Simon Newby 8
CB Ben Coxon 8
CB Matt Birkitt Killed in Action
RB/CB Matt Carlton 6

LM Will Robertson 6
CM Ian Proctor 8
CM Nick James 7
AH Adam Hetherton 8
RM/RB Nick Fenton 7

CF Stu Dickinson 3
Fan/CF David Scott 5

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Welcome!

To the homepage of Heslington FC, to be fully up and running over the next few weeks

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