Sat 30th March Heslington 1 Old Malton St.Marys 0

Never give in – never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

Sir Winston Churchill, Speech, Harrow School, 1941.


With the tax-dodging students all finished with 27 points and happily back to their lazy student ways, Heslington were going into the last three games needing seven points to preserve their premier league status which was a big ask after only 5 wins all season. The first of these games was against a Malton side who were third in the league and only a few weeks previously had secured a comfortably a 5-1 victory against the Outgangers.

Baba faced a familiar problem with several key personnel unable to play in the most important game of the season to date and once again the stress of this took its toll on his ability to mark the pitch with straight lines. Nicky James’s reason was a golfing weekend with some of his old chums. The last we heard he was going well on the 19th hole with a long straight hot dog to start, a few lovely (bowls of) chips, finishing off with his impressive short game sinking a pint of cider in two. Good luck for the rest of the tournament Jaymo, that boy has got some skills.

Nick Fenton’s excuse was even worse, he was caught ‘In The Middle’ when asked to attend a Sugababes concert in Manchester on match day. ‘Round Round’ in his head went the thoughts of missing a Heso game but he eventually gave in to his girlfriend after a little persuading in a slinky ‘Red Dress’. Time would tell whether he was ‘Good To Be Gone’ for the game. We hope he returns a little ‘Stronger’, in ‘Shape’ (featuring Sting) and more ‘Easy’ to play with. Fingers crossed he won’t ever get ‘Caught In The Moment’ on a Saturday again. *Sugababes greatest hits album now available from all good and not so good record stores*

After an inspiring team talk by Babba that George W Bush would have been proud of the Heslington team felt that their destiny was in their own hands. The players were warming up successfully until Will failed to grasp a new one-two warm up game that was designed for 8 year olds so the team reverted to the tried and tested formula of a little chatting mixed in with taking penalties and playing shins. Its good to see our current crop of university student players justifying their selection for higher education.

The knowledgeable Outgang crowd (Scotty and Clarky’s parents) gave a warm reception to two players making their first team home debuts. Tom Sellars slotted into right midfield and Ben Malcolm Willis was keeping goal. Clarky returned to centre back joining Cocko, with Will and Andy Lee at the right and left back positions. A 4-4-2 formation meant Proc and Adam played in the middle of midfield with Green Socks on the left wing. Casper and Stu Dicko started together up front. Long-term absentee Andy Gray made a welcome additional as the only sub just for the hell of it.

The beautiful spring sun was shining as bright as Heslingtons start with good early play and plenty of possession. It soon became evident that Proc and Adam’s dominance in the middle of the park probably had something to do with not having to carry Nick James for 65 minutes of a game. Malton on the other hand couldn’t put two passes together and their manager was getting increasing annoyed as his struggling team were second to every ball. This frustration continued to flourish with the referee having to have words with several Malton players for dissent. Heslington continued to play with their exciting blend of quick passing and attacking football that had got them two successive promotions into the premier league.

After three testing corners the Malton defensive finally caved in to a well worked goal from the right hand side of midfield. Debutant Tom linked well with Adam who burst past the left back and put a whipped cross into the front post. Casper who thrives on goals where little effort as possible is required quickly realised this was too good an opportunity to miss and bravely put his head on the end of the cross in front of the keepers flapping hands. One nil and Heslington had made the break through that they had richly deserved. This lead nearly doubled five minutes later when Will put Si Newby through on goal and after a lucky break dropped nicely for an attempted Cantona/Rooney esque chip over the helpless keeper into the top corner of the goal. Andy Lee had quickly calculated the angles with a maths textbook out of his back pocket and was already off celebrating the goal, only to make a schoolboy error and not take the wind into consideration. The ball agonisingly looped past the top corner and out for a goal kick, which lead to him doing some extra revision over half time. For his benefit here is the calculation one last time, i x (d+i) / o – t = HMS LEE.

HALF TIME 1-0

After another team talk clearly influenced by some of the greats including Nelson Mandela, Winston Churchill and Martin Luther King we all had a chuckle as the Malton lads were receiving an absolute bollocking from their gaffer. Malton would have the slight wind advantage in the second have so Heso knew they would be in for a tough battle to hang on to the lead.

Though Malton had plenty of possession early in the second half they failed to create any clear chances, instead opting for the long ball that often caught the wind and went through to the keeper. Heslington on the other hand looked to keep the ball and use the two front players and Tom as outlets to give Clarky a breather and to stop Cocko having his usual moan in defence. Adam, Proc and Green were doing enough to stop them threatening through the middle of the park but they didn’t have the same influence on the game as they did in first half.

Malton knew the only chance they had to get anything from the game was to be from set pieces so they filled the box on corners and free kicks (gained from Will’s usual rugby league style tackling). So it was to be that their best chance of the game came from a long corner. It was headed goalward by there Biff from Back to the Future look-a-like centre half to his striker who was first to react from the knock down and acrobatically flung himself into an overhead kick that was a certain goal only for the ball to be deflected away by the equally athletically Willis in goal. This great save gave the Heso lad the confidence to see out the rest of the game without too much trouble for a vital win

FULL TIME 1-0

I asked a number of people to give comments on the individual performances…

Willis

Ma lovely boyfriend is super excellent in goals. Kasha

Will

Och aye ma fellow Scottish matey, he played with his hed ta beat the Anglish. Rob Roy

Cocko

He did exactly what Captain Mainwaring said! Pvt Charles Godfrey from Dads Army

Clarky

My fellow countryman performed with Allah at his side. Osama Bin Laden

Lee

He’s got a fucking long throw hasn’t he? Steve Backley

Green

He did ok but nothing special, I’ll have his place when I’m fit next season. Scotty

Adam

His stature and style of play is similar to that of the African Rhino. David Attenborough

Proc

He’s essential to my big plans next season when I’m manager. JP

Tom

I told you he was ace, didn’t I say ages ago he could do a job for the first team, ey didn’t I say though? Uncle Buck

Casper

Yeah he looked great out there today; he’s an inspiration to us all. Sam Newman, editor of Gay Times

Dicko

Huh, you have all the right skill, use them properly you fricking idiot. Napoleon Dynamite


Over and Out, Lieutenant Haribo