Sat 17th March, Thorpe United FC 2 - Heslington FC 4

League match 24 of Heslington FC’s season saw them travel to the back of beyond to play Thorpe United in a blustery affair. Having lost earlier in the season at home against the Ming Mongs, Heslington had an opportunity to get revenge. Coach Babba had several selection worries, eventually opting to leave John Thornton in the reserves and bring back striker Casper ‘sparrow legs’ Walters to the 1st team after a lengthy spell away from football. Ben Coxon returned to centre back and Stu Dicko returned from suspension to lead the Heslington front line.

Heslington opened up again with a 4-5-1 and chose to play with the wind and the home side struggled to get to grips with the extra man in midfield. The ‘Outgangers’ enjoyed plenty of possession and got behind the Thorpe defence plenty of times but failed to play through a good enough final ball. Eventually Heslington broke the deadlock, Newby pressed the Thorpe defence, and after 14 offsides, Stuart Dickinson ran through to blast the ball past the Thorpe keeper.

Within 5 minutes Dickinson made it 2-0, with a Andy Lee power throw headed on by Simon Newby and Dicko flicked in from close range. Heslington were running riot……

Heslington continued to frustrate the home side, Jaymo teasing the Thorpe midfield with some trademark shuffles, whilst Rhino and Proctor penetrated the Thorpe back line running from deep. Thorpe United reacted with a common response by teams from this region, if you are losing … kick the opposition. Thorpe started to commit foul after foul, with the Ref Baby Ballantyne allowing the fouls to go unpunished.

… It is a common belief that locals from these regions fight with rival villagers, and the Thorpe right back picked up on Si Newby’s Skipwith scent, and the two began to tussle. After exchanging some light kicking and biting, the Thorpe retard fouled Si Newby and dropped on him with his elbow. A crime once again not spotted by the referee. Newby (who has won ‘Most Hated Player’ in Scotland for 2002 and 2003) continued to live up to his reputation by winding up and Thorpe player, who responded with a late elbow to Newby’s head. The referee had no option but to book the Thorpe defender, though it should have been red.

Thorpe fought back into the game, and won a penalty from a clumsy Paul Clarke challenge. Ben ‘Malcolm’ Willis was sent the wrong way and the game was back in the balance at 2-1. Before half time Dickinson restored Heslington’s 2 goal advantage, racing through to shoot hard and low at the keeper, who saved with his legs. As the ball hung in the wind and fell goalward bound, Thorpe’s special needs right back made a lame attempt to stop the ball crossing the line and headed the ball into the top corner of the net. Haha … the mule!

1-3 Halftime

Heslington had to avoid conceding early in the 2nd half, and in the 56th minute Dickinson broke the offside trap and rounded the keeper with some neat touches to score his 4th goal. Buck went ballistic, dancing on the sideline, whilst Babba couldn’t see for the long grass!

Many of the Thorpe players heads went down, but they continued to attack with the wind and piled on the pressure in the second half. Thorpe got a second after 63 minutes, a free kick hit straight down the middle of the goal and caught the Heslington keeper napping.

In between the waves of Thorpe attacks, Heslington caught Thorpe on the counter attack several times, with some great support play from Newby, Rhino, Robertson and Fenno (who decided to turn up in the second half). Dickinson had several chances to get his fifth but the Thorpe keeper pulled off some good saves.

In the 79th minute the Heslington’s magician asked to come off, generously giving Casper Walters a run out. The white Assassin soon got back to his old form, making one pass and then going down easy in the opponents penalty area. Unfortunately the strikers reputation preceeded him, and the referee did not buy the penalty claim, waving play on. Heslington’s back four (marshalled by Coxon and Clark) continued to keep out the flow of Thorpe attacks. After 80 minutes the Thorpe crowd gave up hope, many of the spectators leaving early to catch the 3:40pm Jaronda Bus to their respective caves and mud huts.

It was a great team performance from Heslington that gave them hope of avoiding the drop. Will Robertson had an outstanding game at right back, but with 4 goals, 26 offsides, 16 shots (5 on target), 0 passes, 13 fouls and only 1 tantrum, this week ‘Pampers’ man of the match went to Stuart Dickinson.

FINAL SCORE 2-4

MATCH RATINGS

GK Ben Willis 8

LB Andy Lee 7
CB Paul Clark 7
CB Ben Coxon 8
RB Will Robertson 9

LM Simon Newby 8
CM Ian Proctor 8
CM Nick James 7
CM Adam Hetherton 8
RM Nick Fenton 7

CF Stu Dickinson 9

Sub 1 Danny Walters 6